Self-confidence is a mentality that is garnered through experiences. When a person experiences success, that person will tend to expect to be successful. And that expectation will cause a feeling of confidence.
For example: A man wants to be a boxer, so he gets a trainer and a manager. His manager will not put him into a bout until he has built up proficient skills. And even then, the manager will only put him up against a competitor that he knows his fighter can overpower. When his fighter beats the opponent, he is successful, and starts to gain a feeling of faith in his capabilities.
With each encounter, the manager puts his contestant up against a competitor who is only a slightly better opponent then the last, but not good enough to beat his man. By the end of the third fight, the young man begins to expect to win his fourth, and so his confidence continues to evolve. This scenario continues to repeat itself. And as long as the man wins, his expectations of success, and his feelings of self-confidence will continue to evolve.
If a person who has a long history of success and feelings of self-confidence does fail, they still tend to expect success the next time out. Conversely, when a person who is weak in the self-confidence department fails, they tend to lose confidence, and begin to expect failure, which can become a self-fulfilling prophecy.
Even if an individual has true self-confidence, it doesn't mean that they will be successful at everything. Most people who have true self-confidence have sober expectations. Even when some of their expectations are not met, they continue to be positive and to accept themselves.
People, who are not self-confident, tend to rely disproportionately on the confirmation of others in order to feel good about themselves. They avoid risks because of the fear of failure. They put themselves down and tend to discount or ignore compliments that they do receive.
On the other side of the coin, secure people will risk the disapproval of other people because they generally have confidence in their own skill. They tend to acknowledge themselves; and they don't believe that they have to conform in order to be accepted.
Just because a person feels self-confidence in one or more aspects of their life, doesn't mean that they will feel confident in every part of their life. For example, a person might feel confident about their athletic ability, but not feel confident where members of the opposite sex are involved, such as in a dating situation, or social relationships.
HOW IS SELF-CONFIDENCE INITIALLY DEVELOPED?
Numerous realities affect the growth of self-confidence. Parents' attitudes are revalent to the way children think about themselves, particularly when they are very young. When parents provide acceptance, children receive a solid foundation for feelings of self-esteem. If one or both parents are excessively demanding or critical, or if they are overprotective and discourage moves toward independence, children may come to believe they are incapable, inadequate, or inferior.
However, if parents encourage a child's moves toward self-reliance, and they are not overly critical when the child makes mistakes, the child will learn to accept herself, and will be on the way to developing self-confidence.
isn't necessarily related to a lack of ability. A lack of confidence is often the result of focusing too strongly on the unrealistic expectations of other people, especially those of parents and friends. The affect of friends can be more powerful than those of parents in shaping the feelings about one's self.
Assumptions That Continue to Influence Self-Confidence
In response to external influences, people develop beliefs; some of these are helpful and some are not. Several assumptions that can interfere with self-confidence and better ways of thinking are:
ASSUMPTION: I always have to be successful at every challenge that I undertake. This assumption is unrealistic. In life, each person has her strengths and her weaknesses. While it's important to learn to do the best that one can, it's more important to learn to accept the self as being human, and fallible. Feel good about what you are good at, and accept the fact that no one knows everything nor are they an expert at everything.
ASSUMPTION: I must be perfect, and loved by everyone, and satisfy everyone. Again, this assumption is unrealistic. All human beings are flawed. It's better to develop personal standards and values that are not completely dependent on the approval of others.
ASSUMPTION: Everything that happened to me in the past remains in control of my feelings and behaviors in the present.
ALTERNATIVE: While it is true that your confidence was especially controlled by external influences when you were a young child, as you gain maturity, you can gain knowledge and a new slant on what those influences have been. In doing so, you can choose which influences you will continue to allow to have an effect on your life. You don't have to be helpless because of past events.
HERE ARE SOME STRATEGIES FOR DEVELOPING CONFIDENCE
Emphasize Your Strengths. Think about and give yourself credit for everything you can do. And grant yourself credit for every new experience that you are willing to experience.
Take risks. Adopt the point of view of: I never fail, because there are NO failures. However, sometimes I find out what does not work, and once I've learned what doesn't work in a given situation, I can attempt some other action.
Use Self-Talk: Use self-talk as a tool to counter harmful assumptions. Then, tell yourself to stop. Substitute more reasonable assumptions. For example, when you catch yourself expecting perfection, remind yourself that no one can do everything perfectly, and that it's only possible to do things to the best of your ability. This allows you to accept yourself as you are improving.
Make mental movies: Visualize yourself in the various scenarios that you currently lack confidence in. But see yourself behaving as like a person who has tremendous self-confidence would. There are many effective Hypnosis and NLP methods that will build a huge amount of self-confidence from within your unconscious mind. There are even NLP techniques that will let you take confidence that you do have in areas of your life, and then transplant that confidence to areas of your life that are lacking confidence!
Self-Evaluate: Learn to adjudge yourself independently. Circumvent the constant sense of chaos that comes from relying on the opinions of others.
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